falling, falling leaves

2006-01-24T04:54:00.000-08:00

little tree
little silent Christmas tree
you are so little
you are more like a flower
who found you in the green forest
and were you very sorry to come away?
see i will comfort you
because you smell so sweetly
i will kiss your cool bark
and hug you safe and tight
just as your mother would,
only don't be afraid
look the spangles
that sleep all the year in a dark box
dreaming of being taken out and allowed to shine,
the balls the chains red and gold the fluffy threads,
put up your little arms
and i'll give them all to you to hold
every finger shall have its ring
and there won't a single place dark or unhappy
then when you're quite dressed
you'll stand in the window for everyone to see
and how they'll stare!
oh but you'll be very proud
and my little sister and i will take hands
and looking up at our beautiful tree
we'll dance and sing
"Noel Noel"

eecummings

2006-01-24T04:48:00.000-08:00

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile
ee cummings

2006-01-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

thank you (unambiguously!its not someone for doing something, it is you)

daddy and mummy, john and bee... for all the loving. love you and john and bee.. i will protect you with my life.
suan.. for understanding ,for patience (this is how you ans the question, slowly, do what you can ) for introducing me to many new worlds haha how literal wow(and level 2 gnome, since deceased) , for holding me in times of distress and happiness , for simply being you and for being with me in my world of sheep, dinosaurs and talking creatures. these things that seemingly seem like nonsense make a whole world of sense with you, right? yes they do! hooray!
i think i sound mad. but they really do, thanks for that and everything.
melissa.. for swinging with me at pasir ris park! haha for talking and for understanding..i think you are a beautiful person, in every sense of the word.
karthik.. for listening with your heart always, even if it were the same thoughts repetitvely, for being a true friend, for the courage to tell me that im wrong, for being true to your thoughts. :) dont sign .. got potential dont waste. :) thanks for the honesty.. you are truly not hypocritical, and thats where i think your show is right.

weilynn.. the first person i had a heart to heart in vj with, for always making me realise im not alone.. late nights with bee poems and beloved
jamie.. my dear cousin, late night connvos, for studying with me, for understanding what i acutally mean even when im not saying anything, we've come a long way man babier.. its 18 yrs.. and many more yrs to come, hope you'll find your happiness
yining.. my dear wormification of the highest order. i dont know why we started talking in pri 5, but im glad we did, heh dhs days, vj..all the missing links are things you know about and understand. thanks for mothering the sheep, like today.. what wld have it been like were u not there :) friends forever sheep 1!
jason :) haha i dont think you will be reading this, but anyway, thanks for the thought, the letters , the emails, the encouragement. v much appreciated!you said it was nice having someone who listened, it was great having someone who wrote , even near prelims.. and i like hobbes! furry tiger. o and you used to write many X_X faces. hahaha. and i thought you were szywan. i think i still cant get over that deflated triumphant feeling hahaha.
david.. for always making all his friends feel important.. :) you have a kind heart, don't stifle it for anyone, let it fly, there are ways to attaining freedom, slowly, it will come.
cliff.. ah ha.. pigeon on a cliff. glad you're happy nowadays :) may you have beautiful days to come, happy for you, never really thanked you before, but thank you for rescuing me off the wall in dhs.
wesley.. weasel. hmm no poking of anyone now. you were shorter than me in sec1! and now you're taller. see how the tables have turned. admire your strength in adversity, and your er ability to make serious situations darn funny.. (eh you have vegetables stuck in your teeth, huh why wld you think the person means suicide, byebye means byebye what) dots dots dots. but yeah.. take care man. you can do it.
warren.. you are very sensitive to the emotions of those around you, someday im sure you'll find your answers thank you.o the questions you've been asking about life..keep on going. :) kindergarten friend! turtle mac at commonwealth!
wanyi.. we dont talk as much, and our paths dont overlap much anymore, but hope you find your happiness and sense in the world around you, :) your ability to see beauty in people is beautiful (for the lack of a better word) anything, let me know.

yongshan.. hello! yay.. your honesty is nice.. like how you explain insecurites, and the way you make it known that you like talking( i miss talking to you! ) it is heartwarming. :) haha take care and hope dota-ing will be good.

:) happy. oh dear it is 2.36 goodnight

2006-01-17T09:49:00.000-08:00

even in the case of a rock, which we normally see as something solid, something that appears unchanging, when we look into the nature of that particular rock at its subatomic level, we see that it is constantly undergoing changes :)
nice.

if everything is changing, isn't it nice to have someone or someplace to come home to, everyday?
because even if it has changed subatomically, it hasnt changed so much so that it doesn't recognize you or doesn't think you are important anymore, or more so because the changed you is the same to the changed person. or maybe, people just don't think they are different.. it is the same me going to work and the same me coming home, and when people change they feel aversion to the change in security.

change. and it is time to change, change thoughts, change ways of looking at things and change ambition, but even admist these things , some things will remain the same.. like you and what you mean to me, like the way little children open up windows in my heart and how i remember them even though i dont know them.

to me happiness is peace, a balance of knowing your thoughts , a whole package of understand ing the cause and effect of all your thoughts and being able to be your mind's friend, i find that it is only when i truly understand my motivations when i can be at peace with who i am.

2005-11-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

im going to say goodbye to blog .it's been more than a year, and has seen me through a chapter i would rather close, now. there aren't many explanations, it's not about circles, it's not about privacy.. it's just that it is time to move on. it's not about biterness but it has been a way to explain many things which should not be explained.
some things should be left the way they are, in their purest.
for all my friends who read this, especially mel and david, thank you!

2005-11-18T03:01:00.000-08:00

its friday evening and im glad im home!
haha i dunno why i still feel like writing after the 3 hour long lit paper.. but this is different.. there were points just now where i felt i couldnt find the words.. and i had to pause and think and play with sentences but its ok! 3 more papers to go.. whee. haha was talking to mel just now and it seems there is a switch between blog and journal... dont think journal is going to go silent anytime soon anyway.. theres so much to write nowdays. it was raining (hears mel saying lovely) and was looking at the trees near the school gate.. the little place where no one really steps on.. unless you descend from the general office and there are memories too! i feel like i have come one full circle. its not a euphoriously happy jump up and down feeling, more like a silent knowing smile looking at me in j1. haha am so embarrassed at the stuff i scribbled on my year one notes.. especially since i can still remember how and why i felt the way it was. don't want to look upon any period of my life with a grimace(though it happens), so i can just smile and say no regrets, at the very end. anyway.... mm the lit unseen was interesting ,the part about the letters..sometimes i wonder how the letters i wrote look like..especially when friends mention that they still keep them, just like i keep theirs.. there were v insane ones, somber ones and i guess more to come... one thing i dont think i'll grow out of is writing, because i feel like im alive when i write. haha i mean all my emotions are alive. haha wld seem strange if you feel dead when you dont write. yay anyway. i can see the end(but i still rmb that i have bio which i havent touched, and lit3)... haha ... nowadays.. i think im out of the phase where every moodswing resulted in tears and constant self beating up self.. its just theres so much worth living for.. at first i couldnt really think of anything i really wanted to do after as.. but i journalled.. and theres so much to do.. and theres china! haha im excited. the prospect of stepping onto a plane never fails to excite me

2005-11-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

to hold you in your sleep as you transverse latitudes and longtitudes of thoughts, dreams , your desires and your fears, to be asleep but to be awake, awake to your sleep, and awake to your sleeping anger.

sometimes i wonder if i wake your sleeping anger only to numb it , placating it, gently
and at times you caress my anger and meld it into care.
at times where anger and care blend themselves into a fine line of silence, a silent fortitude for hurt heres to the day i can promise i'll hold you even in your drunken sleep of rage

2005-11-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off
.I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,in secret, between the shadow and the soul
.I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love you because I know no other waythat this:
where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
pablo neruda

2005-10-27T03:37:00.000-07:00

-munching on food my grandma bought..i miss her and i always am out when she drops by
-how sometimes you know people need help but you dont know how to give it
-how sometimes you know what something means but its not not supp to mean that on apperance so you let it go, and just hope that the person would ask you if person really wants to talk
-how the right words at the right time make a difference
-its nice how you understand my impracticality in your practicality
-how you hunger for sushi, but when you eat simple canteen food the craving just goes away
- the water on the canal, on the way home , like the calmness of the setting sun, if every day ends well
-how i want goodbye for the day to be happy, and how i cant say that it still makes me sad
-how i believe you should never say anything to anyone else because it should occur to you to talk to the person first
-when you say you have made an exception
-sometimes making someone feel good comes from a sense of exclusivity. im doing this for you. because YOU...are MY.. not.because we do this for everyone eh
-i like this song.. hello darkness, my old friend.. the tune makes me sing...people hearing without listening
-how when eyes randomly wander on the mrt i wonder makes some eyes sad and some backs hunched

-how you said" it'll only be true if you believe it " :)
that made all the difference, to me

2005-10-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

- i dont want to be who you see
-you make me smile and laugh and cry all at once that i have to decide which to be
-theres a limit to acceptance of the man in the mirror
-pictures remind you what you could be
-alone time is good
-thoughts on how -im-going to finish bio
- with what you think of before you go to sleep
-making you happy isnt always making me happy
-making me happy isnt making you happy
-but we are all trying to be happy
-its not all about being happy
-the excitement of going on a holiday
-switching off handphone
-the stupid feeling u get when u msg something nice to someone when u have just snapped at someone else
-the feeling of home
-the feeling now i dont want to forget
-because my heart is somewhere torn in between the pages of yellow notebooks
-want to spend an entire day running, running alone or with someone who wldnt say a thing to my rage
-thoughts of it should be and no its not what shld be
-wanting to be stupid and woozy and drunk and say all the things ive never said and yet hear you say " i understand

2005-10-18T02:40:00.000-07:00

i always thought it would be the fading figment of your smile through dimming alleys of thoughts
or the patchwork of memories ,or the scribbles you left on my textbooks, or the simple going back to places , left unturned by time, that would help me remember.
but it was the simple echo of your voice
a mildly-silencing, mildy-hurt, mildy-accepting
"you would forget me"
that brought the flow
of things locked and put into xerox boxes left as they were,
things un-raw enough to welcome the settling of dust.
pictures of us talking, you singing
like snapshots of a movie
that was made
not long ago, not long enough- to be black and white
but long enough, to be silent.

i dont remember
what we said
converstations remain remembered,
like shells,
wordless and empty.
there was always so much to say,
so much you wanted to say,
and so much i wanted to hear.

there are so many ways to say goodbye, but i'll always remember yours
-keep in touch.

2005-09-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

yay! have just finished making my notebook.. wait.. mel.. if you're reading this..i didnt delete the last entry bcos of our convo.. its cos i dont want to remember , thanks for everything...re-read the little prince yesterday ."since it is she that i listened to, when she complained, or boasted , or when she was simply being silent. since it is she who is my rose''nowadays im weary of revealing too much, on the pretext perhaps that it is all too troublesome but really somehow some untruths are really truths, whilst some truths are really untruths .. haha wish could just say something like life is about truthful untruths, but really one has to be honest with oneself, at least

2005-09-23T00:08:00.000-07:00

listening to badari now, can foosteps gently treading on the tune, softly :)
after yesterday, im beginning to realise how sad delusion can get.. thanks a lot wanyi.. frankly i wish we were in the same school (yes! even as jc is coming to a close) .. our lives are so different now.. and i know that much as im bothered by stuff, you are with your own.. but thank you for everything ...
sometimes i think life should be more than people.. not abt not caring abt people or pretending that you are some independent island, but sometimes one needs a certain degree of independence, cos that can give you more stability than you can imagine.
we fill our lives up.... with memories, hobbies, ideas of space but in the end i wonder if they are escapes, escapes from trapping threads of emotion.

i dont know what to say, im sorry for feeling the way i do

2005-09-09T02:40:00.000-07:00

just woke up from a deep sleep with very strange, actually not that strange, mismatched dreams.. with scenes from different time frames and my deepest fears, and joys intertwined in some crazy puzzle, which would have made nonsensical sense if i could remember it all. its strange how you can lead life superficially pretending that you do not care about the outcome of certain things, when they actually are there somewhere in your subconcious. somehow felt good knowing that im actually feeling these things somewhere, and these memories remind me that i can feel euphoria, perhaps when you really are happy. doubt gets in the way....everything starts from a thought. sometimes you can start thinking that there wld be a certain outcome, or intelligently try to predict someone else's response. then without realising it, you act in a way that suggests that the person is really feeling what he is.. then the person starts feeling that way. would like to same something like its balance and how you manage your life but something tells me that its great to be able to feel rock bottoms and rock tops! yay...swing and hold on tight

2005-09-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

sighness. i cant think of anything to write, but i desperately feel like banging, banging , banging. ah goodbye. vv tired, and nothing seems to make sense.. argh. its just passively yea its ok its ok... it doesnt matter and oh shit.. come out of it feeling like a dead sheep. goodbye! stop talking brain and go to sleep

2005-09-07T03:16:00.000-07:00

It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journeyand I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyesI am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journeyTill I find my way home to you
Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shoresWondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strongI know I will falter I know I will cryI know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey
And I need to be close to you
Sometimes it seems no one understandsI don't even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through?
'Cause it's a long, long journeyTill I feel that I am worth the priceYou paid for me on calvary
Beneath those stormy skies
When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to you

2005-09-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

where will it be a clearer idea than this whiz of pictures, puzzles, people..
sitting at delifrace
watching a baby tugging at his daddy's tummy...
watching an arm round another shoulder
and watching these whizzing whizzing cars turning spiralling into a blur.
somewhere i see myself weave in and out and in and out
another face in the picture.
another girl staring out of a window whizzing away to someplace[ she doesnt know where]
sometimes wonder if im living in windows of memories
or if im a crazy time-traveller
perhaps these are just thoughts to keep me from the mundane
m riding on a stallion somewhere [dont hold me, let me fall]
to tell you everything, every little puzzle in this memory
not saying wordless meaningless words...
because you are special.

2005-08-31T03:43:00.000-07:00

read a bit of plath today...morning song, nick and the candlestick and moon and the yew tree.. cldnt get any furthur. sigh i like plath.. dont actually really like the poems but i find her thoughts interesting somehow when i read her journals i wonder why people wld want to publish diaries if you respect someone elses privacy but somehow jts an achievement to actually manage to get people interested in what you write out of their already busy enought life read the plath book today and it said something like plath said" it can only end in great hurt"when she first met hughes. created a twang somewhere deep within. i dont know if ends come because they are predicted. i think flame and great belief is necessary.. maybe im a idealist or am living in my perfect idea of world( and hence my disllusionment) , ,as you will tell me again. but i believe the human spirit can overcome. and it scares me when i start thinking that i cant. and the part in her journals abt combining intellect and eroticism in marriage. ... i really feel for plath( though a great part of me tells me that it isnt the thing she wld want) .. because somehow i can identify with why she wanted the things she did. and today i read some other book by tracy chevalier.. crap i wld like to believe im in a great literary mood but i know i just cant study when i shld have been. and it was quite sad.. abt society's expectations.. is it harder being a girl? really i dont know. there are times where i wish people wldnt judge but even in my perfect idea of a world i realise it isnt possible..
"even amongst the fierce flames, the golden loctus can be planted"
sigh. its such a nice line and it says everything, everything.

2005-08-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

before i manage to convince myself yet again that it is nothing, please wake me up and tell me that it isnt

2005-08-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

i cant find anymore reasons within
anymore profound explanantions
because it seems so simply magnified
magnified emotions
: exaggerations and tiny reflections of truth

keep telling myself time and over, it isnt there, its an exaggeration
yet it just gets more intense.
has it always been?

like walking and roaming busy streets, and staring at the sun setting over fullerton from the esplanade, and running, leaves littering the ground....

because it takes it all away.

it doesnt matter because
it can be everything , something , or nothing

2005-08-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

how much do i forget until you remind me that i have forgotten
forgotten.
the word that transcends
oblivion and never.
another another circle
even as am typing this on a very silent tuesday morning
it feels as if its nothing new, no fresh outburst of emotion has arrived
the dull numbing of the senses , the lock to all under
that really isnt anything
or that already has found itself a comfortable existence within

does it matter...
how about you?
yes it does.
you dont seem to go anywhere/ fly.

it doesnt matter anymore
im getting tired of trying to find reasons within reason
within myself..
that string on tangible delicate threads

want to live... free.

2005-08-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

today david counted the number of times i said i dont know and it turned out to be quite a lot.. im not going to say i dont know here.. thanks a lot friend.. you have a very kind heart.

keep on running

i run, for you.

to see the sunshine through the leaves
to hear the murmur of a waking morning
to transport myself back in time
and remember staring at stars at sentosa
to run with the wild wild wind in my hair
to go crazy with abandon and laugh, not because it isnt funny, but because heart feels like laughing
to dance, albeit badly, in the comfort of my dear room
to remember
and to bounce back and say its ok
and to have the silence ,
the silence of a heart
not necessarily happy. but
quietly zen.
to hear the comings and goings.
zen.

2005-08-22T03:09:00.000-07:00

sitting here again typing typing these random strands of thoughts, letting them run and run and run .. sadly sometimes i dont realise im thinking about such thoughts until i write.. just had my cold bath and all these song lyrics just started popping.. like shania twain's " from this moment" and some oldie that goes through the years my love will grow like a river it will flow until then i'll always be devoted to you.. i'll never hurt you.
"hurt you" oh sigh. had another sad conversation in school.. i dunno what to say or think or to reason cos theres just no reason and my role is just to listen, so i guess i'll just listen and do what a friend should. i dunno slowly but surely im learning detachment from all these sad stories, i dont wanna be another friend who says" see i told you" and " these were the signs" because in true honesty, i believe its never an extreme good- good or bad-bad situation. its so easy to say this, and sometimes im guilty of acting extremely myself, but really i dont know i dont think it just boils down to a simple issue of forever.. its i dunno.. how much is how much to give up for someone.. i dont know.. but i know i'll try.. this much i can promise.. that i wont let it just fall into because or fate or something... no! theres some beauty in mystery but youve gotta believe that you can make it happen... that you are responsible..yes.. sadly i think its just so easy to blame it on circumstances but we choose to let things happen.

2005-08-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

[laugh leaning back in my arms for life is no paragraph and death i think no paranthesis]

yearning for some silence outside this bubble

2005-08-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

when i call out jesus, moutains are gonna fall.... hes gonna come resucue me all things are possible....

listening to cnb radio.. somehow each time i listen to the radio on the net i just intuitively pick christian soft music... sigh... i dont know

i just feel like i cant be a christian christian... i cant do all the stuff thats associated with christianity... and i cant pretend that im what im not or try to fit in when i wont.. but deep down i know you're still around i dont deny.

2005-08-17T03:43:00.000-07:00

sunrise of a sunset
i wake
to a bohemian idea of a sunrise daydream
somewhere where words dont matter
where silence is silence and not words upspoken

where your thoughts dont count
where i can be free
and attempt to think
but hear nothing,
not the murmur of a far of distant voice
whispering" hazel",
nor the murmur of laughter captured in a timebox captured in the photo of the moment
and not hear you saying "hurry up"
oh bloody hell. yes oh bloody hell
with abandon, and more things worse

to be bad good. goodly. bad.
to be not what you see nor think nor hear
to walk out now,
a timeless, nameless existence
. away.

i wont take a photo of you
because
you mean so much more
than an image trapped in time.

2005-08-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

oasis [ my somewhere in between nowhere]

somewhere in between nowhere
"it meant something once"
butwhatdoyouneedwanthavetodowheredoyouwantto
wantneedholdhelpmovemovemovenothingspecialnothing
movemove . move
"it was something i remember"
nothing.
nothing you remember is a memory.

remembering you remember
and painfully knowing that i remember as much as you do
and that you somehow unfigured
what i meant it to mean
means its a shared memory
one day
will you remember too?

i hold you
safe somewhere
in between transcription and translation
somewhere in between the merchant of venice and my yellow pets coursebook
somewhere under the laughter
somewhere where nothing.
no shadow can dim
where time cannot scar.

as long as i am.
you are, my [memory]

2005-08-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

i dunno. reading all these strands of thoughts i really wonder if what we think is really what we think or if there ever will be an answer to the many questions.. whats right whats wrong, whos winning.. or if it even matters at all.
found my diaries, primary school diaries with scribbles of cheerful houses and clouds , later diaries with insecurites masked under the arrogance of pride, diaries with striking bright yellow" keep outs' on them, and diaries which were transition diaries, to fill up the void where you hadnt bought a notebook you cpuld write in.. and the strands of thoughts that weave in and out of the past and that merge with the present are rare and few in between. sometimes its hard to really believe it was you writing.. one day i want to be able to write with stark, open, naked honesty.
who was i deceiving man.. i was writing to myself. and yet to yourself you have to find reasons for thoughts, reasons for actions, somehow somewhere everything is subconciously branded as good/ bad. beginning to believe that life is too unsimple for definite goods or bads.. its a balance and how and where you want to stand on the balance and whether you want to bother to make a stand. somehow as we start of we have a set of good and bads.. but they change all the time. sometimes i think the wisest people dont say anything or judge, or think that they think. they just live and know. ah. its just a conjured image in my head of a wise sagely unhuman like creature. is being animalistic wrong? i dont know... ive always thought that we all are... civility is necessary for a society to function co-operatively, and slowly i think we developed manners and our own societal "code-of conducts" because it makes life simpler. its easier being placid about certain things than being totally antagonistic.. and sometimes i guess we only show our real selves to people who are close to us.. maybe which is why we end up hurting people who are closest to us.

2005-08-06T03:27:00.000-07:00

"if you ever change your mind.. i'll be right here". i understand....
listening to some oldie..
its nice to love someone unconditionally and to really say" i understand" and mean it
to understand that someone might need to fly is one of the nicest things someone could do for you.. just to understand. and to hear the little things other people cant. deep down under we all want someone who can speak to us, even when perhaps we dont want to be spoken to. but you cant expect people to just understand, because expectation brings disappointment and it isnt fair to place the need to understand on anyone.

2005-08-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

no. longer
this passiveness that says" anything is ok"
no longer the silent acceptance .
flare, flare before you are forced to flare.
in all your beauty, in all your honesty
flare.
flare and be your own person
rather than a mangling picture of expectation.
[ flare and you will be beautiful]

2005-08-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

listening to the silent rustle of the leaves outside
and to the tv mumbling upstairs,
and to the sounds of rushing water from the kitchen
i feel so comfortable
in my space called home

can i leave
and say im looking for something better?
can i leave
knowing that
im leaving all that i love behind?

ve always wondered what dreams are really made of
or if dreams are made by yours and mine
gently intertwined.

2005-08-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

banging banging
yea
i think its true
-we celebrate youth day-
and we should somehow feel young somewhere
instead of going
" oh no"
and thinking of perceptions
and things that hold us back
we should be going, moving, searching, acting, talking,
with adrenaline
not with this numbness that says
-- the future is bleak.
damn it.
it is not bleak
and even if others think it is.
you can take your future and colour it special cos it is yours. yours to have and yours to hold.

what happened to the hopefulness
why do we think we are old?

you only are if you think you are
wanna burst out of this bubble of restrictions.
wanna dance. [ dont care if you're watching]
wanna sing
wanna make things work
for once i want my heart to flutter with the skip
and jump with the beat
and i want the silent smile of happiness written.

thanks mel!
im sorry if i have been making you feel old... yes we can do this man.. if we think we can :)
im sure we'll find our answers as we search

2005-07-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

cactus

halfway in between a pause whilst throwing something away
i noticedfamiliar green cactus
lying
not

s tanding tall

upon taking a closer half-suspicious glance
i realised
my cactus was dying
as i have been thinking that im dying
as i have been thinking that everything is unmanageable
and that eone is letting me down
never realised
that my poor cactus
was dying
" this cactus is specially for you.. and our friendship will last as long"
ahhh
im used to seeing u ard
in my room
im used to watering u
how long havent i?
i sound deluded.
anyway.
ive tried to prop u up even though u're slouching and i watered u
please survive.
but you're really withering
and i wonder
this is how much im capable of caring when im caught off guard
this is how responsible
i juiced
my own cactus
my own living possession in my room
oh dear
'it takes a lot to dehydrate a cactus'
i dont wanna dehydrate anymore cacti, dead, alive .
human or inhuman.

2005-07-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

to see your smile
to see you happy
to see you laugh
to see you angry

and.

to say
yes . still do.

to see you mad
to see you bad
to see you try to be bad
to see you fall

to see you
the same
different
differently the same
both to the world and to yourself.
(and to me)

to see you, to know
and to have played a part somehow
to try to distance my own thoughts
and see
and always try to find
a reason
a strand of thought
an explanation

is something (i wont) stop doing
because
heck it all
i still do.
for you.

2005-07-27T05:11:00.000-07:00

needless words

holding it.
no. yes you can read that page
yes.
and the "oh no" feeling when someone starts innocent flipping
notebook.
sometimes i wonder if its
just that i want to feel that there still
are
thoughts
that you are yours.
naively
yours.
to hold and to keep.
or if its a proud way of saying
there someplace you cant go.
haha
whatever it is
thank you notebook.

" dont write"
is a way of saying
this is my territory
dont invade.

" for you ..'
one day i hope
i will be able to say
"it's for you", really believe me
"it's for you."

smartness
actually i wish we were stupid
stupid enough not to let pride, attitude come in the way

ee cummings.. ' to be nobody but myself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make me everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting''
ah i love cummings

2005-07-23T03:58:00.000-07:00

dazzling colours
somewhere to lose your thoughts
somewhere you can stare
somewhere you can look beyond into emptiness
thoughts floating
" make people happy"
haha that means so much doesnt it
the spiralling circle of unhappiness that comes from truth

2005-07-21T01:48:00.000-07:00

its strange how sometimes you go to the google page and realise that sadly you dont know what you are looking for. i think not knowing what you're looking for is very dangerous. and very beautiful. ah.

2005-07-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

Starry starry night paint your palette blue and grey look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul. Shadows on the hills sketch the trees and the daffodils catch the breeze and the winter chills in colors on the snowy linen land. And now I understand what you tried to say to me how you suffered for your sanity how you tried to set them free. They would not listen they did not know how perhaps they'll listen now. Starry starry night flaming flo'rs that brightly blaze swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent's eyes of China blue. Colors changing hue morning fields of amber grain weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand. And now I understand what you tried to say to me how you suffered for your sanity how you tried to set them free. perhaps they'll listen now. For they could not love you but still your love was true and when no hope was left in sight on that starry starry night. You took your life as lovers often do; But I could have told you Vincent this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. Starry starry night portraits hung in empty halls frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can't forget. Like the stranger that you've met the ragged men in ragged clothes the silver thorn of bloddy rose lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow. And now I think I know what you tried to say to me how you suffered for your sanity how you tried to set them free. They would not listen they're not list'ning still perhaps they never will.

2005-07-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

just woke up from a very sleepy sleep. sleep deprivation is bad it makes you woozy.. and you dont even know when you've irritated someone arh. i think this business of irritating people is scary. i think i irritate more people than i realise. ah. mmm so sometimes i guess its best not to say anything at all. mmm the council room is a very nice refuge from noise cos somehow when im there i dont need to say anything or pretend to be interested in conversation when im v sleepy. sigh hhaha. maybe its not a good thing to be too close to people. ahh . hmmm at times i cld be a fairytale character like sirius black or aragorn somewhere. but i guess they are fairytales for a reason cos nobody wld want to read abt the mundane that they go through cos we dont tend to think of our lives as nothing out of the ordinary.. until something happens and u feel glad for it or thankful that it has happened. but then when the novelty wears off u have to learn to make it interesting.. its strange how routine can make one bored when actually one isnt bored of the thing itself but rather of the routine. somehow brains are accustomed to go against routine cos special things arent supp to be routine.. cos we dont believe in repetition of special for special stands out against the blend. mm. sometimes i think we subconsciously measure specialness against expectation . if something is within expectation its normal.. if it goes beyond that its special.. you did something special for me. why is it special? cos i didnt expect you to do it for me. which kind of sucks becos it can become why didnt you do this for me? i expected you to . ( but im not going to say so ) ahh. sometimes i wonder why i wonder esp with prelims up and coming . since i cant not write, i'll use writing as release. and shall forget abt this all after writing.
ahh. mm.. mm. imaginary friend.

2005-07-11T04:13:00.000-07:00

concentric circles.
im sorry for ever trying to understand
cos sadly as you say' but she wont it only makes her sad'
a part of me smiles wistfully and sighs
because maybe you know
but somewhere our understanding of each other has reached a point
where we already are saying our small goodbyes
goodbyes to believing that we are on the same track
or thay we ever would be
somewhere as we ask each other " are you ok"
we know we arent
revolving
crazy ideas of revelations and revolutions

you used to ask " what do i do?"
and ask the silliest questions and laugh at your asking me
cos they were so silly you would whack yourself up if someone else had suggested you had such insecurities
i dont know
it reaches a point where my tired heart doesnt want any more promises
because it has realised that promises are what people desperately put down
so that somewhere in that insecurity of another someone, of another place
of an environment where nothing else wld matter
"you can look into my eyes and see the way i feel and how the world is treating me maybe i have known you forever... forever
for the many forevers
cheers
at least we thought it would be forever.

2005-06-17T10:07:00.001-07:00

"dont you feel empty, empty writing?"
yes
"i dont write because im scared of my own thoughts.. and because i dont want anybody to know "
we're all scary peoplelove.
are you afraid of the animal in you?
why do you laugh

in all your sanity, in all your rationlity, in all your civility

lies an animal

which surfaces in anger, in fear, in hate

laugh when it isnt funny
because you feel so ashamed, ashamed of that which ought not to cause shame

laugh because you're better than someone else
in the end
i wonder ..
how

how much of this will matter
" in the end they dont know who you are."
a body is a body
they have to cut you up and put you under a machine before they learn your name, a name that nobody would care to know about but for the fact that you died.

alone.
cos you tried to call out
but nobody would hear
you wanted to say
-this is when i need you the most
[not when everything is going well and you say you'll be there. anyone can be there when there's no reason to be there]
but you realised
they were there
but they couldnt hear you
trapped in another emotional dimension
when the conclusion would widen the gap between the emotional distance evetually when you got out of the bubble

2005-06-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

in all your sanity, in all your rationlity, in all your civility

lies an animal

which surfaces in anger, in fear, in hate

2005-06-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

to [un] lose all rationality
to say you're not going to find a reason even if you try
or that if you do its going to be nowhere near the correct strand of emotion
is a dangerous thought
for only this can take you to the abyss of pain and suffering, happiness in delusion, and happiness in knowing you're being deluded , happiness in sheer happiness itself
the thought of which
only crosses my mind when im lying in your arms

2005-06-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

buried
in between the lines
in between the thoughts
somewhere along
the laugter
the mundane
and the interesting
hidden beneath the how are yous and the are you oks
are the most painful
most beautiful thoughts
for the most special people
mystery draws people close and pushes them away
draws them close cos they believe that there something beautiful
something more than the normal.
but unravelling that mystery means revealing your normality or your lack of it
which makes you keep your innermost thoughts secret
somewhere along those lines
you becomes me and we become they
and collectively they become us
cos somewhere in that conciousness
theres a commoness in human-ness
as im sitting here mindlessly banging these thoughts out
many others are doing the same
and each of us somehow think we are special in our own way
well.
i dont know how special we are .
but if you're reading this you're special to me
and for the many little noticed unnoticed things
thank you
recently ive come to realise how unappreciated some things are
the most painful thing is for you to tell me at the end
it could have been
and in my own small ways ive been trying to change things
but i cant do it alone
in a its like that world

2005-06-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

once in a while
you feel you're losing control
you stare at a blank sheet
and your heart goes
this is scary
the innermost scariest heart to mind conversations
that lead us
go cold at
the uncertainty of
"stuff"
stuff which isnt just stuff
laughter
which actually is the best masks for inner inner painful hurts
to painful to admit , to painful to know . yourself.

dont call it denial . we all deny

2005-06-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

and theres no sense in nonsense
or if theres sense at all
its sense that you dont wanna know about
sense that you didnt know was there
but which appears at the strangest times
and reminds you
theres sense in some nonsensical thoughts

and you said
its a front to cover up what you dont want others to knows
slowly
the act becomes you
and at the rare rare core you wonder is there a me? or is there a me made of fragements of you
just like the way we do things
just like right has a right knowingness
and good has a good goodliness
wasnt it just admired behaviour
but somewhere the struggle starts when your v stifled heart lets out a gasp that says
this really really is off

fly me to the bahamas
and lose me there
somewhere in between the mystries of life and living
death and dying
peace and confusion
hope and vengeance
let me lie.

2005-06-13T06:47:00.000-07:00

(you're my idea of) a beautiful stranger

when i can touch you
i say dont come close
when i get to know about you
i say actually i dont
but
when i cannot hold you
i say
maybe i love you.

heart.
somewhere you see it
somewhere you feel it
sometimes you know
sometimes you trust it
sometimes you fear it
for it knows.
sometimes you love it
sometimes you hate it
but all the time
you learn to live with it,
to smile with it
and tame it
so as to not let it burn.
but once in a while
with a quiet, beautiful singe
with a tired little ache
it reminds you
"im still here".

2005-06-12T09:58:00.000-07:00

no guilt in saying i dont wanna know and that i dont know

and somehow somewhere sometime
you wonder
wont it be better
if you didnt know
used to think talking about issues would help
but sometimes you wonder if issues really are issues at all and with a vehement vengenace you feel like wrecking it all
to be non exisistent
omniabsent
and silent
afterall what does it count for
and what you see is what you see in your enclosed box

random random ramblings

2005-04-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

as i blow silver wrangled thoughts into the dark night sky, i wonder what you're thinking, somewhere far far away, cos even though i admit to playing with fire as with stars, i know i cannot play with your heart

it's a silent yes,
the sort that needs no words of confirmation..
the kind that goes "are you thinking what im thinking?"
haha
but sometimes its embarrassing to think that you're thinking that
so you let it go..
pretending it is a random rambling thought of yours
and then
a tentative " do you think that ...?"
and you burst into much suppressed laughter
because you knew all along that you werent alone
but some kind of moral thingy prevented you from laughing out loud at the ridiculous situation..

let it go baby let it go
does it matter
why do you tell me?
does it matter
why do you want me to know
cos baby i dun wanna know
dun wanna be part of stuff that i shldnt know...
dun wanna share your msgs..
dun need to know what you quarrel abt
somewhere you need to draw the line
dont you feel like saying
dont come close
baby it wld be ok if we were close
but we are not
not in any secret.

you need to know
to resist
to follow
and
to drift..
dun wanna care
dun wanna know
but you cant
not care
and
not know
dont
you know you can pretend not to know?
its a world of difference from really not knowing

" i miss you"
when you say you miss someone
do you miss someone or do you miss the persons company?"

*---* yawn.. hummmmgrrm

2004-12-04T02:53:00.000-08:00

heyo...its paws birthday today..happy birthday ! love you
reading birthday letters its rather haunting there are these images of ted hughes reading and the pain..it's the first poetry book ive read that really leaves this empty hungry feeling after reading ..."you were weeping with a rage that cared nothing for rabbits.. you were locked in some chamber gasping for oxygen where i could bit find you or really hear you let alone understand you" .. thursday was sdd... had this empty feeling after returning home.. all the prep and crapping ard was fun but there was something missing... it had this exclusive feeling and it was really couplish haha but nvm..haha...

praying for you..
praying that no matter what happens
you'll still be you
untarnished by the little scars that hide in litttle things
in bits and pieces everyday
that no matter what you see
you'll see the beauty and that the unbeautiful will only remind you
of pictures in your heart. kinder and more beautiful...
that'll you'll dazzle an empty canvass,an empty heart with.

2004-11-29T09:01:00.000-08:00

hey... just read wanyi's blog.. i really miss the times when we were in 4d discussing lit and crapping our way everyday....haha we were reading tulips and talking abt it... haha but thanks a lot girl! really am thankful for all the time spent at the library at hrm the occasional pasar malam ....yup :)

let the words flow through , let them run , sometimes you just dont wanna think anymore , you just want to run with that voice to go to some other place.

don't always pull the trigger
or no one will know when the trigger really should have been pulled.

" i didnt want any flowers, I only wanted
To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty
How free it is, you have no idea how free" slyvia plath
--sometimes you just want to lie on a grass patch and smile at the passing clouds and not care.to be free of the listless list of emotions to be freed from the binding relationships. there's beauty in simplicity---

sometimes it's nice to belong
but some walks in life, have to be travelled alone

2004-11-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

smile an everlasting smile.. don't ever let me find you down cos that will bring a tear to me talk an everlasting verse and dedicate them all to me and i weill give you all my life im here if you should call to me......

-i wanted to tell you that you are the missing jigsaw in his life and that im but his buddy-but a promise is a promise-

listening to the bee gees playing and to the silence of the garden breathing.. haha should be sleeping now.. just finished pw minutes.. haha op on tuesday hopefully everything should be ok but the thought gives me little butterflies in my stomach .
things are seemingly more settled now haha.. went to parkway with karthik and mel and we talked the way through to tampines yea pw really gave us a chance to talk ( and play bluff!)
sigh ...

--i dunno what to say anymore
why do i want to know what goes through your mind
when it will be a dimmed shadow of what it is
i wanna unlearn,
to know you as you were before
minus all the things i know about you--

when i was small and christmas trees were tall
dont ask me why
the time has passed away
now we are tall and christmas trees are small

2004-10-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

hello for some strange reason i've decided to start blogging again! haha.. just got back form dinner and pw...yay! i love our pw group and all the little digressions that we have where we end up talking about the future and human nature and the stuff that we are reading and religion .. my eyes have really been opened ! haha.. pearl harbour is on... and everywhere i am there you'll be, there you'll be...brings back memories ..watching this at lido at midnight after mid yrs and doing some tu shu bao gao till 3am haha! seems so long ago but it really wasnt too long ago.. been thinking about the many little things... powerful memory store..staring out at the patch of grass beside the concourse on friday and at the many people walking to and fro..like you've a plan view of everyone and it made me think of maris stella again.. the rest of the class was playing cards and it just reminded me of the various tines like this...when everyone else was in the dollhouse and i was in the playground playing pirates with jeremy haha... yea today karthik was saying something abt reading that the main part of your character is determined when you're under 6 .. hmm scary la but sometimes i think bits of it are true...:)

-sometimes i feel like i'm drunk behind the wheel, you know there's always more than one way to exactly how you feel-

-you showed me how it feels to have the sky within my reach-